“You’re like a man!”
I am sick of hearing this.
Let’s get a little personal here. I have been doing a lot of casual dating in the last few months. Reasons?
1. I am not over my ex, so I can’t get emotionally attached to people very easily. Better to stick to ‘casual.’
2. I am planning to be single for a while, since I have a big trip to Europe on the horizon.
3. I do not function well without an active sex life. It’s the way my body works. I get really tense and extra stress-y if I don’t have a sexual outlet.
My reasoning is sound. I will not apologize for the way I date, and as long as there is honest communication, I will not feel like I’m leading anyone on or hurting anyone’s feelings.
But the comments I get! From men AND women!
The friends I talk to about my dating / sex life seem to think I’m emotionally broken, somehow. “Why don’t you get attached to people?” “What will you do with [current boy] when you leave for Europe?” “Why don’t you want a real relationship? That’s the best way to get over an ex, anyways.”
First of all, I am not emotionally broken. I am in a state where I am emotionally attached to someone else. I still very much feel like I’m in a relationship. But now, I feel like I’m in a relationship with no sex and no affection of any kind.
But I am healing in the best way I know, and I will not be made to feel that there is something ‘wrong’ with me because I’m not ready for a relationship or ‘real’ dating at this point.
Second of all, there is some dumb, sexist idea that women cannot have sex without getting emotionally attached. This is a wrong stereotype about women. This infamous reaction to sex happens to men AND women.
Yes, the people that I have sex with see a special side of me. I view them differently than other people. But, hell! If I showed my vagina to a rando’ friend during some weird drunk night where we were like ‘Hey, I wonder how different peoples’ clitorises are’, I’d feel like we shared some weird vulnerable moment, too. It’s about sharing something private and extremely personal with someone else.
The emotional connection I feel to those I have sex with is not as intimate as those I have been friends with for years, because they cannot know me and care about me the same way. But it is definitely unique in that they have seen me in that silly, weird animalistic state of sexual arousal, and that’s a pretty vulnerable state to be in.
So no, I do not get ’emotionally attached’ to people I have sex with. And that means that I do not have any desire to be anyone’s girlfriend at this point in time. But I do feel a special connection to them that is unlike other people, because having sex with someone inherently requires a certain level of trust.
I will admit, my feelings do get a little confused. Sometimes, I grow to have a crush on someone I’m sleeping with. But it always is short-term, because I get sad after a couple of weeks that they aren’t as amazing as my ex. Because since I’m still in love with that guy, nobody compares.
I swear, the amount of men I’ve tried casually dating these last six months….they’re more like ‘girls’ than men think girls are! Breaking things off, tearfully, as they tell me how they’re so excited to date me but can’t imagine losing me in a few months when I go off to Europe. Another guy didn’t cry about it, but he did get prickly and passive-aggressive and then finally texted me that he wasn’t capable of casual dating. Another dude tried to convince me that he was totally fine with casual dating, then immediately introduced me to friends as his girlfriend.
Are all these men ‘just like women’? Are they unique to their gender group because they get emotionally attached to me after they have sex with me?
No. Because men and women ARE NOT THAT DIFFERENT.
The other thing that bugs me? The way men treat me when they’re sleeping with me.
Sweet words, talk of a future, PDA. I don’t like it. Why?
I get the vibe, every time, that these guys think they need to say these things and act a certain way to get into my pants.
You are already IN MY PANTS. I don’t need to be wooed, I don’t need any sort of girlfriend-like treatment. We are friends, we respect each other, and we have sex. Stop treating me like a delicate flower that will run away, because I don’t understand my feelings and I’ll get hurt and stop sleeping with you. I am in your bed on purpose, and I am leaving in the morning on purpose. I am not caught up in a giant ball of confusing feelings, and I am not secretly falling in love with you.
I don’t treat men like they are my boyfriend. I don’t text them every day, I don’t call them all the time, I don’t act like they’re the only one I’m thinking about all day long forever and ever and I’m just so infatuated with their fantasticness.
I do, definitely, treat them sweetly. Sex comes with cuddling, it comes with physical affection. It comes with fun dates and goofiness. In the moment that I’m with them, I feel like we’re connecting in an affectionate way that is not like the way I connect with friends (even though my friends know me and care about me infinitely more than my dates do). I’m fine knowing that they’re seeing other people, even if it would make me feel a little weird to see them making out with other people in front of me.
But in the end? I’m seeing other people. I’m having fun being a bit of a skank.
I wish I could scream from the rooftops:
RESPECT ME ENOUGH TO RECOGNIZE THAT I AM JUST AS CAPABLE OF CASUAL SEX AND CASUAL DATING AS A MAN. AND THAT IS NOT BECAUSE I AM A UNIQUE WEIRDO GIRL. IT IS BECAUSE WOMEN AND MEN ARE NOT AS DIFFERENT AS YOU THINK THEY ARE.
And also recognize this:
Some people are interested in casual dating. For whatever reason, that’s their schtick. It could be a temporary thing, it could be a lifestyle choice.
Some of these people are men, and some are women.
Other people are interested in serious dating, looking for a special someone to share their life with.
Some of these people are men, and some are women.
And sex? It’s emotional. It’s personal. It creates a weird, intimate yet not-intimate bond between the partners.
Men AND women experience this reaction.
Stop being sexist, people. I am casually dating for the moment, because it is what works for me.
So suck my dick. ❤